This video and blog speak to the potential pitfalls of being a fixer (as well as the person being “fixed”), and what we can do to protect ourselves.
With all of our good intentions, we can ultimately be resented for helping.
When someone opens up about their personal life and their current difficulties, they can feel VULNERABLE. As the person in need, we want the wisdom and objectivity from the people around us, but in these circumstances we are showing open wounds.
As the fixer, we need to show a lot of sensitivity. When we are offering our love and support, the current inequality and imbalance can result in the person receiving the help feeling “less then.” Treading lightly, and watching for cues on how to approach the other person, will help them not feel “smaller.”
Refuse to be used.
We love being needed, and we also love sharing our experiences in order to help others. But what about when we only hear from someone when they need something? That’s when we start feeling the resentment.
This is when we need to set boundaries. As a fixer, we are conditioned to give endlessly. This is when it is important to take care of ourselves, or we may become exhausted and overburdened. Making sure there is a healthy balance in the relationship is best for everyone. Make a commitment to yourself that you will not be used.
Resist the urge to micromanage.
When we have the answer and can see things clearly, we can jump right in. This is because we are objective and truly want to help. Difficult to resist the urge to fix quickly. Instead, we should be mindful that people need to learn their own lessons in their own time. Share your insights, but then allow space for the other person to figure things out on their own. Challenges are a huge part of growth, and we can’t always be running other people’s lives.
Accept resistance.
There are times when the other person simply does not want our help. And for true fixers, that can be devastating. We want to protect and not see them hurt themselves, but we need to allow them to live their lives. If there is resistance, understand their need for independence and autonomy, and move on. When they are ready, they will come to us and we will know the time is right to help them.
Wait to be asked.
We see things, we want to fix things because we want the world to be a happier place. This can feel intrusive to the other person. Support is a two way street, giving and receiving. Life is complex and we are here to help one another. But everyone has different ways of managing life, and it’s best to respect that - for them and for you. Give them the space they need, but we also need to protect ourselves.
