It’s time to be with people who we have tense relationships with, and relationships we might not be able to avoid. There could be unspoken anger and frustration, and we can’t find the words to express what we want to say.
So, what do many of us do? We lash out in frustration after repressing our anger for too long. It makes us feel like we've won the battle, but ultimately, we've lost the war. The feel good release leads to long term pain for the other person, which may not be able to be repaired. There are many ways to handle this, but most importantly, do not ask them to “just move on.” Instead, handle it with sensitivity and grace, and watch them open up to a true reconciliation. It takes trust that needs to be earned.
To demonstrate this, I'll share a story I heard many years ago that had a huge impact on me:
A young man had a problem with his temper. Every time someone would frustrate or disappoint him, or make him feel “less then,” he would lash out. He hurt many people, and many relationships were damaged beyond repair. He felt powerful because people were intimidated and he was rarely challenged.
An elder who saw this time and time again suggested to him, “For every time you want to say something to someone to hurt them, and every time you want to lash out at someone to cut them, I want you to take a nail and bang it into the fence across the street instead, in order to release your anger.” The young man saw a beautiful freshly painted fence across the street and agreed to do so.
Weeks later, the young man came back to the elder and said “I feel great. It was such a release to get rid of my negative feelings.” The elder said to him, “Great. Now I want you to take out all the nails from the fence.” After the young man agreed, the elder said “Now I want you to look at the fence.” The young man looked at the fence and saw that it was ruined beyond repair. Then the elder said, “That is what you do to relationships. Every time you feel the need to lash out and be aggressive, passive aggressive, or hostile to another person, the damage is significant and may not be able to be repaired.”
Healing is done best when it is a collaborative effort ❤️
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